The Compass: All in the Family (part 4)
The Compass
Charting the Course for Church Growth
All in the Family
How to Have a Clean Fight
James 4:1-10
Day 1
James 4:1-10 (NKJV) “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, ‘The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously’? But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: ‘God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”
What a great question is asked by James to begin this passage. He strikes right at the heart of our problems: “Where do wars and fights come from among you?” Psychologist and Therapists have made great sums of money writing books and performing counseling for those struggling to deal with conflict. At the root of what they do is this very issue, why are you fighting in the first place? James wastes no time in answering the question: they come from our own desires that war in our bodies; that is, they arise because of our own selfishness.
The Principle: If you want wars and fights, then you sow pride and selfishness, if you want peace, then you must sow peace.
Think about the Principle: It took the first couple ever created just a short period of time to enter into conflict. Genesis 3:8 tells us that when Adam was confronted with his sin, God asked why he had eaten of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. His answer is so simple and yet it typifies so well the conflict that so many of us face: “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.” In that one statement we see that Adam blamed: Eve (The woman…gave me of the tree) and God (The woman whom you gave to be with me…). This is one of biggest pitfalls: blaming others for our mistakes rather than taking responsibility for them. As we begin this week, think of some times when you have blamed others for your mistakes and ask God to help you overcome this as we begin this study.
Day 2
How does a family live a life of grace?
Develop a Character of Submission.
James 4:7 “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”
James had started this portion of his by asking a very important question: “Where do wars and fights come from among you?” This question suggests two important ideas: first, it suggests that we do not always know what causes conflict, and second, it suggests that there is a cause for every conflict. These are two very important thoughts because it clarifies for us that conflict does not “just happen.”
James does not leave us in the dark concerning where wars and strife come from. In fact, he identifies it quite plainly as coming from our own pleasures and war in our members. This leads to that great quote, “you do not have because you do not ask…” He further identifies why this is: “You ask and do not receive because you ask amiss…” That is, we ask for the wrong reason. We ask so that we can satisfy selfish desires, rather than humbling ourselves before God and humbly ask that we would recive that which He deems best for us.
The Principle: Avoiding conflict will always be a struggle in our lives until we go beyond simply confessing our faith in Christ and begin submitting ourselves to His ownership.
Think about the Principle: Too many times, when it comes to conflict, we justify bad behavior by saying things like, “This is just how I am”, or “I just can’t help myself.” The truth is that we could virtually eliminate all conflict in our families if we would dedicate ourselves and commit ourselves to bring every word we say into subjection and submission to the will of God.
Apply the Principle: Read the following Scriptures. How might they help us in times of conflict? Romans 12:1-2, Romans 8:27, Philippians 2:13. What do they tell us about following God’s will and developing in our submission to God?
Day 3
Recognize the signs of conflict
James 4:8 “Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.”
James is continuing his talk about where wars and strife come from: he had earlier suggested that there are those who do not have because they do not ask. There are others who do not receive because they ask for the wrong reasons. Now he tells these same people to cleanse their hands and purify their hearts. It is as if he is recalling when Jesus condemned the Pharisees for trying to remove the speck from their neighbor’s eye without first removing the plank from their own.
One of the paramount signs of conflict in a relationship is a failure to identify our own contribution to the conflict. So many times our solution to the conflict is to say, “well if they would just…”, rather than saying the solution to the conflict may very will be, “well if I would just…”
Read II Samuel 6:16-20 Think about this situation. Now read I Samuel 18. What does I Samuel 18 tells us about Michal?
Tragically, many of our homes have the same result: they begin loving each other, but conflict has built up over the years and, having never been dealt with properly, ends with one despising the other.
The Principle: The biggest problem that we face in our families is that we see the signs of conflict, but we continue down the same path, doing the same things in the same way and just hope that the conflict will just go away.
Think about the Principle: Read Colossians 3:17-19. How might obedience to these passages help us in overcoming conlfict in our families?
Apply the Principle: Think about your family. What are some warning signs that you can identify that there may be conflict. Spend a few moments writing these and then end today with a prayer asking God to help you identify theses signs of conflict before you find yourself in the same position as Michal.
Day 4
Practice Principles of Humility
James 4:10 “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”
Pay close attention to the wording of this verse. Many times we read that verse but we say it this way: humble yourself TO the Lord. He does not tell us to humble ourselves to the Lord, obviously that is taught elsewhere, but that is not the interpretation here. Here, he is still dealing with the question, “where do wars and strife come from…” I believe that he is telling us that if we would just humble ourselves and admit our dependence upon God, He will give us the solution we need.
Read the following passages. How do these help us in dealing with conflict:
Proverbs 3:5-6 Philippians 2:5-11
The Principle: Often the cause of conflict is simply the fact that we are not humble enough to accept correction, admit an error or retract a statement.
Think about the Principle: How many times have we tried to end a conflict by saying this: “I’m sorry for how I hurt you, but…”? True humility comes when we stop trying to justify why we did something wrong, rather, we simply accept the fact that we made an error, and do our best not to make the same mistake twice. Why do you think it is so difficult for people to exercise this type of humility?
Apply the Principle: Read each of the following passages and then rewrite them to make them personal to you. (i.e. Proverbs 3:5 “If I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my understanding…”) How can this help with humility?
Proverbs 11:2 Proverbs 16:18 Proverbs 28:25
Day 5
James 4:1-10 (NKJV) “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, ‘The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously’? But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: ‘God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”
Dealing with conflict is so difficult because it is so difficult for us to see our own contribution to conflict. Because of that, it is difficult to deal with conflict because we tend to heap the blame on the others involved rather than taking responsibility for our own mistakes. How can Christian people be a good example to those around us in how we deal with conflict? Why is it so important that we are an example
Close out this week by writing a prayer of dedication asking the Lord to guide every word and every thought, that it would be acceptable in His sight. Commit yourself in the upcoming weeks to honor the Lord through your words, through your actions and through every means of communicating with others.
Lord Jesus, we admit that we struggle with conflict. It is so difficult for us because we struggle with admitting our own shortcomings. Help us this week and in the upcoming weeks to deal with conflict in a way that would bring glory to You. Help us to be less concerned with proving ourselves right and more concerned with proving that You are right. Make us very aware that those who need Jesus are not listening to hear about Him as much as they are looking to see Him. Help them to see You in us.